So im typing this entry while my mom is screaming her lungs out over the phone at my sister again.
It’s been awhile since I last wrote here and I probably didn’t know awhile back then but that vow of silence I took for over a month that left balls of hay sweeping across this space meant a change was taking place in me without my realisation. That sentence I just typed may come across as self indulgent and probably a little oxymoronic but it is true and I say that right from the very depth of my very pink soul.
Yesterday I was given a 2nd shot at life, over the phone and ironically delivered by some mat who probably didnt even know that he was changing someone’s life through his words. To finally have that confirmation after 4 years is a relief of epic proportions. However, there was no elation, or a need to start taking life by the balls and charge with it at full throttle until I run out of steam. I don’t recognize or understand why I feel this way but there was a solid conviction that I need to not screw up, fuck up and take life or anyone in particular for granted ever again even if I am still not and probably never will be the Mary Poppins of the world. Maybe that just means I getting older, and all that hormonal need to create a bursting fountain of melodrama has left me grudgingly for adulthood. And I am not sure how I feel about that lol.
The thing about not screwing myself up would be to first appreciate life and to appreciate life I have to be grateful for something that it has given me. I get the whole “we give you shit sometimes to let you grow as a person, but on hind side, here are a group a people and dance that we have inserted into your life to make things bearable” concept but sometimes no matter how ungrateful this may sound its not enough and here’s the sole reason why- Bad things happen to good people. What is the point then of holding on to a bucket of sunshine when it might never be worth it? Yes sure, you can be the holy grail of all human beings on this planet but that won’t stop a car accident that could happen because of a lousy fuck up that wasn’t even your fault, paralyse you and stop you from dancing ever again when dance could be the only thing that mean anything to you on earth.
I spoke to a devout Christian once about something relevant, and apparently God’s answer to that was to be of unwavering faith and to have complete and utter trust that everything would be okay when the world comes crushing down. Those are 2 concepts I am not comfortable with at all but it is the only weaponry in your arsenal while we are all alive and breathing. To me that feels like swimming in an ocean of sharks with an open wound hoping that some goddamn ship would come along quickly before you get yourself ripped apart.
The world today really needs grace, and a lot of humour.
So having unloaded a bucket of cynic all across his post, what I can do to use the jail-break card I have been handed this time rogund in life, is to really simply live by the day. I am not going to dream about a fairytale, nor am I going to pray that one day I will meet someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. What I can do, is to eat, to dance and to laugh as much as I can in a day and that would make me happy, no matter how short termed the feeling is going to last, because happiness in life is an endangered species and if doing an Eat, Pray, Love is going to make me less of a cynic then fuck yeah I am going to do it, and see how things go as time passes.
And that is as much as I am going to ask from Life.
