11:11

” Love is hard, and when you are in a relationship and love dance as well, then even more jialat. Twice the pain.” – Ben (Psyk) Koh, Oschool Recital 2011.

Someone once said to me that nobody really know how love feels like. This year I found Clarence, someone who isn’t necessarily romantic or sweet. However, he is patient and kind and more importantly takes all my shit and forgives me when he really shouldn’t. Somehow even though he lacked the romeo pre-requisite I forgot to guard my heart well and fell in love…or whatever it is you name this thing I’m going through. 

Today is out first anniversary, and also the last day of recital. The latter meant the end of a very trying 3month journey of pushing endlessly and working hard. I was insecure, afraid and sometimes demoralised in the process of pushing towards a place I am not sure I can achieve. The process of blindlessly having faith is really not easy, but last night’s show, nailing that triple pirouette in front of a full house with him watching made every sweat worthwhile. I was alive, I was happy and I felt love from his hug after not seeing him for 3 weeks, and the love for dance and that; that very short fleeting feeling of being loved by the 2 things that makes life worthwhile is nothing the world can offer that I would trade away for.

For me, I think being in love means working through the pain, having a damn lot of blind of trust and never giving up even when you feel like it. Its been almost half a decade of dancing for me and looking back at all the sweat, injuries, pain, tears of frustration and countless hours of training, I must either be masochistic to continue dancing today, or I must love it.

Clarence is going through BMT now and missing him has been hell. I have done a lot of crazy things as a result and he should never have forgave me for them, but he has. What this means for us in the next 6 weeks would be a lot of waiting, and very little time together. He is worth the wait, its just the pain of missing him I have to work through. 

I am thankful for having the support of dance to always be there for me when no one else is. Its a good feeling to have another love to hang on for support when the one is not around.