defining moment.

Two weeks ago I was eating breakfast/brunch when my mom passed me a newspaper cutting asking me to audition if I really wanted to. Turns out, that slip of paper was an ad for NAFA’s open house.

This is really monumental as my mom is the woman who famously said that if I ever chose to take dance as a career, then all the money and effort that she has spent on me for most of my life would be wasted. After 3 years of pleading, she gave me the green light, just in time as this is the year that I am going to graduate from university. 

This year feels like a year of change. The decision that I am going to make now, might define the career that I am going to take for the rest of my life. I can choose to graduate, get an office job with a stable career or I could choose to be a struggling artiste. I have prayed so many times in the last 5 years of my dance life for God to give me a sign if I should pursue my dream to become a professional dancer. Everything now boils right down to the decision that I am going to make in the next 2 months. Yes? No?

Dance saved my life when I tried to commit suicide twice, gave me self-esteem and so much happiness and I look back at everything now to the 17 year old me who on most days cannot leave his bed because he was so paralyzed by depression and despair to where I am now, dance is a gift and a miracle that has changed my life forever. My relationships with men might be disasters but what I have with my dance is 5 year strong and today I still am utterly in love with it. 

God I am going to take a leap of faith and make my dream come true, as you have given me the biggest sign that I need to make this decision. I will cast all my fears and doubts away because You will be there every step of the way, and I am going to do my best to make my parents and You proud.

Not many people can get an opportunity like that in life, and I am so immensely grateful, and thankful. 

There has been …

There has been a lot going on since the last time I wrote in here and I don’t really know where to start.

Breaking up with Clarence was very painful. He was what I wanted- an innocence and optimism but more importantly when I was with him I believed in things that I no longer believed in, and to have everything turn on you like that it was more than just a broken heart that he took away with. Looking back at it all now, perhaps I needed to kill my cynicism and he walked into my life as a seemingly perfect opportunity. I loved him but perhaps what I really love more than him was the chance to fix myself. 

Secondly, I have gone back to Church. A friend invited me for Christmas service and for some reason the sermons made me tear uncontrollably. I am still finding my ground in Christianity but as of now, to have something to hold on to for support is enough, and church is that for me.

Thirdly- I made a great milestone by doing my first contemporary dance concert after almost 5 years of my dance life. I made friends with a different world of dancers and contemporary dancers are so nice that it slightly shocked me because it is all genuine. I am used to street dancers and their ways that in the process I got used to it and didn’t even realise I had cynicism sealed all around me like cling wrap. It kind of make you want to be a better person and change.

I feel like I am on a journey but I don’t know its destination, but as of now life is enough, and I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me.