This is really monumental as my mom is the woman who famously said that if I ever chose to take dance as a career, then all the money and effort that she has spent on me for most of my life would be wasted. After 3 years of pleading, she gave me the green light, just in time as this is the year that I am going to graduate from university. 

This year feels like a year of change. The decision that I am going to make now, might define the career that I am going to take for the rest of my life. I can choose to graduate, get an office job with a stable career or I could choose to be a struggling artiste. I have prayed so many times in the last 5 years of my dance life for God to give me a sign if I should pursue my dream to become a professional dancer. Everything now boils right down to the decision that I am going to make in the next 2 months. Yes? No?

Dance saved my life when I tried to commit suicide twice, gave me self-esteem and so much happiness and I look back at everything now to the 17 year old me who on most days cannot leave his bed because he was so paralyzed by depression and despair to where I am now, dance is a gift and a miracle that has changed my life forever. My relationships with men might be disasters but what I have with my dance is 5 year strong and today I still am utterly in love with it. 

God I am going to take a leap of faith and make my dream come true, as you have given me the biggest sign that I need to make this decision. I will cast all my fears and doubts away because You will be there every step of the way, and I am going to do my best to make my parents and You proud.

Not many people can get an opportunity like that in life, and I am so immensely grateful, and thankful. 

Breaking up with Clarence was very painful. He was what I wanted- an innocence and optimism but more importantly when I was with him I believed in things that I no longer believed in, and to have everything turn on you like that it was more than just a broken heart that he took away with. Looking back at it all now, perhaps I needed to kill my cynicism and he walked into my life as a seemingly perfect opportunity. I loved him but perhaps what I really love more than him was the chance to fix myself. 

Secondly, I have gone back to Church. A friend invited me for Christmas service and for some reason the sermons made me tear uncontrollably. I am still finding my ground in Christianity but as of now, to have something to hold on to for support is enough, and church is that for me.

Thirdly- I made a great milestone by doing my first contemporary dance concert after almost 5 years of my dance life. I made friends with a different world of dancers and contemporary dancers are so nice that it slightly shocked me because it is all genuine. I am used to street dancers and their ways that in the process I got used to it and didn’t even realise I had cynicism sealed all around me like cling wrap. It kind of make you want to be a better person and change.

I feel like I am on a journey but I don’t know its destination, but as of now life is enough, and I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me.

I have 3 people in my life that I tell different kinds of intimate thoughts to based on each person. I am lucky to have them, and I know they will be the people that are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Its a gift and even if I am ungrateful at times I will always love them.

The thing is, even when you have your people, the people who will do anything for you sometimes it is still difficult to share everything and every faucet of your life with them. There will always be a part of me that I don’t think I will ever reveal to anyone and I believe this is the same for everyone else. In short, its not enough. Feelings stay and even though time will fade the worries and pain away, it is in this moment that I need to share it with another person to feel less weary. I don’t want to explain myself because that is tiring and I don’t want to feel judged because that will bring up my insecurities. 

It is in times like these when I have to believe in a greater force out there to be my tree house for awhile.I have been praying a lot these few days. Its the only thing that’s been getting the shit out of my system so I can sleep with a clearer mind at night. I still don’t know how I feel about the whole religion thing and to be honest I think there will always be a part of me inside that will believe in Christianity with all my experiences as a child at church despite all my current skepticism. 

That I can only hope with maturity that I may come to a decision in the future. As of now, sharing my inner demons to an unknown entity is really as good as it is going to get and if it works then why not right. 

Yes I do realise I may as well talk to my table lamp if all I need is just a non-human thing to talk to. The divine factor just works better with me. Also, I’m not psycho.

Someone once said to me that nobody really know how love feels like. This year I found Clarence, someone who isn’t necessarily romantic or sweet. However, he is patient and kind and more importantly takes all my shit and forgives me when he really shouldn’t. Somehow even though he lacked the romeo pre-requisite I forgot to guard my heart well and fell in love…or whatever it is you name this thing I’m going through. 

Today is out first anniversary, and also the last day of recital. The latter meant the end of a very trying 3month journey of pushing endlessly and working hard. I was insecure, afraid and sometimes demoralised in the process of pushing towards a place I am not sure I can achieve. The process of blindlessly having faith is really not easy, but last night’s show, nailing that triple pirouette in front of a full house with him watching made every sweat worthwhile. I was alive, I was happy and I felt love from his hug after not seeing him for 3 weeks, and the love for dance and that; that very short fleeting feeling of being loved by the 2 things that makes life worthwhile is nothing the world can offer that I would trade away for.

For me, I think being in love means working through the pain, having a damn lot of blind of trust and never giving up even when you feel like it. Its been almost half a decade of dancing for me and looking back at all the sweat, injuries, pain, tears of frustration and countless hours of training, I must either be masochistic to continue dancing today, or I must love it.

Clarence is going through BMT now and missing him has been hell. I have done a lot of crazy things as a result and he should never have forgave me for them, but he has. What this means for us in the next 6 weeks would be a lot of waiting, and very little time together. He is worth the wait, its just the pain of missing him I have to work through. 

I am thankful for having the support of dance to always be there for me when no one else is. Its a good feeling to have another love to hang on for support when the one is not around. 

It would be nice if i could find back that dreamer in me again when i fought for what I wanted with such zeal and determination instead of just letting life tug me along wherever it wants me to go.

I cannot decide if this is a good or bad thing.

Being nervous about not fucking up would probably be an understatement now because my head is filled with question marks of all sizes. I have no idea how much I truly like him and what if all these that we are doing now is a mistake?

The problem with romance is that everyone expects a fairytale- a soulmate; a perfect fit; someone who will act upon your thoughts before you and life becomes this rosey sugary cotton floss scented land where you wake up feeling like sunshine. I have seen enough and heard enough to know that this is perhaps as true as your 500 days of summer and every word written out of Taylor Swift’s blonde head.

Being gay makes life so difficult sometimes and all I want, all I need is just a person, an un-cynical person who still believe in all the thrash I no longer believe in and in everything that I believe is sacred and important. To find someone like that is more difficult than uncovering a fossilized baby dinosaur in the world I live in.

I don’t know him long enough to want to be with him but I am extremely comfortable around him and I miss him when he isn’t around.

But as of now, I am happy- something which I haven’t been for a long time and I think to at least see the world now with a little less monochrome is enough, knowing that he is around.

It still hurts to see you smile and laugh I won’t deny that, but I really don’t think I have a choice in this particular scenario having decided that its better to at least be friends. Oh the irony and karma of it all.

I hate having an inner mofo tayler swift inside me.

On another note, there might potentially be someone in my life. Work in progress.

#Atermidnightangstysaturdayposts

So there are only so many things to say when the end comes to a good thing in life. I will miss working with all you oddballs.

It’s been awhile since I last wrote here and I probably didn’t know awhile back then but that vow of silence I took for over a month that left balls of hay sweeping across this space meant a change was taking place in me without my realisation. That sentence I just typed may come across as self indulgent and probably a little oxymoronic but it is true and I say that right from the very depth of my very pink soul.

Yesterday I was given a 2nd shot at life, over the phone and ironically delivered by some mat who probably didnt even know that he was changing someone’s life through his words. To finally have that confirmation after 4 years is a relief of epic proportions. However, there was no elation, or a need to start taking life by the balls and charge with it at full throttle until I run out of steam. I don’t recognize or understand why I feel this way but there was a solid conviction that I need to not screw up, fuck up and take life or anyone in particular for granted ever again even if I am still not and probably never will be the Mary Poppins of the world. Maybe that just means I getting older, and all that hormonal need to create a bursting fountain of melodrama has left me grudgingly for adulthood. And I am not sure how I feel about that lol.

The thing about not screwing myself up would be to first appreciate life and to appreciate life I have to be grateful for something that it has given me. I get the whole “we give you shit sometimes to let you grow as a person, but on hind side, here are a group a people and dance that we have inserted into your life to make things bearable” concept but sometimes no matter how ungrateful this may sound its not enough and here’s the sole reason why- Bad things happen to good people. What is the point then of holding on to a bucket of sunshine when it might never be worth it? Yes sure, you can be the holy grail of all human beings on this planet but that won’t stop a car accident that could happen because of a lousy fuck up that wasn’t even your fault, paralyse you and stop you from dancing ever again when dance could be the only thing that mean anything to you on earth.

I spoke to a devout Christian once about something relevant, and apparently God’s answer to that was to be of unwavering faith and to have complete and utter trust that everything would be okay when the world comes crushing down. Those are 2 concepts I am not comfortable with at all but it is the only weaponry in your arsenal while we are all alive and breathing. To me that feels like swimming in an ocean of sharks with an open wound hoping that some goddamn ship would come along quickly before you get yourself ripped apart.

The world today really needs grace, and a lot of humour.

So having unloaded a bucket of cynic all across his post, what I can do to use the jail-break card I have been handed this time rogund in life, is to really simply live by the day. I am not going to dream about a fairytale, nor am I going to pray that one day I will meet someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. What I can do, is to eat, to dance and to laugh as much as I can in a day and that would make me happy, no matter how short termed the feeling is going to last, because happiness in life is an endangered species and if doing an Eat, Pray, Love is going to make me less of a cynic then fuck yeah I am going to do it, and see how things go as time passes.

And that is as much as I am going to ask from Life.