There are moments in life where we become so caught up in everything that we are chasing for, grinding to dust a deep focus that we forgot the world we live in is bigger than the bubble we unconsciously wrapped ourselves in. The setback we deemed a great loss could be but a tiny blip in someone else’s life.
Tonight, while eating my mom’s homemade dinner and watching my rabbit run rings around me as I type this, I am grateful for friends I can trust my life with, a pair of loving parents who dote on me and roof above my head to call home. The setbacks of dance and life is nothing I cannot handle.
It has been almost half a year since I last posted anything here. Many things happened and life was just such a blockbuster of a movie I never had the time to process anything down. I got through to the finals of a contemporary dance competition. I choreographed an item for a contemporary dance concert. I danced another piece for a contemporary dance company- All in the half year gap when I stopped posting anything here.
Time passes very quickly and slowly as you take this race alone, chasing down dreams with a blindfold as you increasingly become aware that you arent that young any more and society (and mom) is calling you to do the responsible thing. This year has been an epic one, probably the best dance year of my life but I realise sometimes when I am soaring through these tides, I am also riding the waves alone. This journey I am taking with dance may be a path that millions of people are embarking on together and yes, some of them are people I am close with but for some reason I can’t quite shake away the feeling of how alone I feel admist everything that I am a part of now.
I still love dance though. In the rare moments of the last six months when I had any quiet time at all and realise how alone I am, dance made things okay. I mean, I am not that person two years ago who needed a boyfriend like an oasis in a desert. That however doesn’t mean that having gone through the entire thought process of understanding how good things need patience would make me feel less alone.
And after Clarence, I don’t know what I want any more. God knows why I am not resorting to gay social apps to look for someone like the entire gay population do….well. actually I do know why. Being smart and mature can be very irritating, but listening to the drama of my other gay pals sadly reaffirms that there are no happy endings in Grindr.
I am okay, or rather I try to be okay with being alone. I am only human sometimes I have annoying human wants and needs too.
But hey, we can only do our best with every day that passes and pray for tiny miracles to happen for things to be better.
I am pretty certain I can smell the scorn from my girlfriends even before I am going to type this post out.
I have bad relationships. My boyfriends never last more than 3 months and each time I come out of them I never learn and just repeat the same mistakes as I always do to the utter dismay ( and dismal) of my girlfriends. So this would probably be a good time to tell them that I am thankful for their patience and understanding for tolerating me all these years and it would be a blessing for anyone else on earth to have the kind of friends that they are to me.
So the point of this post is that I think I have come to a place where I am pretty comfortable being single.I mean sure, I still do gush over every other guy on the street but there is a kind of certainty that at least for this part of my life now, I don’t want to be with anyone. Maybe the pain of the last relationship is still a searing memory but I have come a general conclusion that it would probably be better to stay single for now. I fall in love with talent, and generally men with a flair for the arts but I no longer want to be with anyone because 1) I don’t want to handle other people’s crap 2) I can barely handle my own crap and it would be quite unfair for me to dump it on someone.
A certain part of me will always fall in love in that moment when someone creates magic in their art, and maybe that will only be what I am ( and might have always been) in love with, and the idea of a person being constantly around. So it might also be a good idea if someone appears to prove me wrong, butif that doesn’t happen, it would still be okay.
Life is too short to weep about these kind of things.
Last Sunday at church was a really crowded place due to Good Friday service. I never knew the reason behind this christian holiday other than the fact that it meant a long weekend and shorter work days and therefore can only be a good thing. My only saving grace is that I am dripping in shame while typing this out.
My friend turned up late, and as there was a ticketing system for entry into service due to an overwhelming congregation, the tickets were all distributed well buy the time he arrived. This friend in particular, is a collapsed christian like who I was half a year ago having lost faith due to a number of reasons but only recently found a part of him inside that was strong enough to come back to church to give it another try. This church service is important for him, so it was an unfortunate dilemma that he couldn’t get a ticket. For some particular reason, I had faith that even though the ticket were all distributed, he would still get a ticket eventually.
The point of me telling you these is that yes, despite a waiting queue of over hundreds of people who were waiting in line to get a ticket when church service was about to start, someone did pass him a ticket in the end as we were waiting in line, as I have believed that it would happen. The odds of this happening was near impossible because over 600 people were waiting to get the ticket, and he was the only one that got it. This is the first time that I believed in God with all my heart for what I presumed was impossible to happen to come, and it did.
I do not know why on that day I had such faith; maybe it was because the whole thing was not something that was important to me, and therefore it was easier to just have faith that it would happen because even if it didn’t it wouldn’t matter too much. For some reason, I can’t garner the same kind of faith that I had on Sunday for dance, because currently I am not improving and its making me extremely heart broken. Dance is too important to me, and its harder to have the same faith because it needs to get better, as I would not be able to accept the alternative scenario.
Having written all these down, its important to stay strong and not lose faith or confidence in myself because it is in the tough times that makes it even more important that I keep my spirits up and keep having an endless faith in God that He would make it come through for me, as he have done it for me before last Sunday. I won’t give up, and I will stay positive that this is just a phase that will end soon, and i just need to push through.
And hopefully, I will come out of this a stronger person than before.
the first thing that hits you, other than immense pain, is the stark surrealism of realizing that someone you love no longer exist in your world.
My grandma passed away on Sunday night, a night where all her children and grand children came back for dinner at her house. It was possibly the best way to die, in her own bed with everyone she love by her side. Knowing this in my head however gives me scant comfort because I do not know how to comprehend losing someone I love, and who also in turn loved me dearly. Nobody I hold dear has passed away before- She is the first.
Being at a funeral feels ridiculous. I look at the traditional Chinese funeral paraphernalia and the alter before my grandma’s coffin with her picture in a large frame and I just want to run away or tear the place down because this cannot possibly be happening. Truth is the woman with very weird make up in a coffin is the lady who overfeeds me when I was little and all these people chanting and making me participate in rituals are around because my grandma has died. Sometimes I still look around the funeral and feel like it is a very bad and tasteless joke.
Then again, I didn’t wake up on Sunday morning with the knowledge that my grandma was going to leave me that very night. Everything is happening very fast and nobody is slowing down the process for me to digest the reality of how things are going to be from now on. This week has been a very weird dream for me as I try to hold it together with my dance and school commitments in the day while helping out at the funeral in the evening. Everybody looks so busy and tired that the funeral feels like a mandatory process that has to be completed before the mourning can even begin.
The world feels very strange to me right now and I don’t know how to function in a place where my grandma doesn’t exist. This whole experience frightened me because I look at everyone that I love now and I don’t think I can take the same kind of pain I felt when I rushed down and saw my grandma’s body lying very still in her bed. Then again, these are the things that will eventually happen in the later part of my life and I dread them. Life is a very fragile thing and whoever that said it was tough has never had a love one stolen away from them.
I wish life stood still on Saturday. This week shouldn’t be in my life and I don’t know how to handle it other than to autopilot myself the best I can until the break happens. I miss you grandma. I hope you are happy now. Thank you for loving me. I love you and I miss you.
My facebook has 615 friends. Essentially I would only do everything for these 3 people. We are all busy with our own lives but sometimes I do miss you all. Anyway I am grateful for having these girls in my life because they stopped being friends a long time ago and are now more like sisters to me.
Two weeks ago I was eating breakfast/brunch when my mom passed me a newspaper cutting asking me to audition if I really wanted to. Turns out, that slip of paper was an ad for NAFA’s open house.
This is really monumental as my mom is the woman who famously said that if I ever chose to take dance as a career, then all the money and effort that she has spent on me for most of my life would be wasted. After 3 years of pleading, she gave me the green light, just in time as this is the year that I am going to graduate from university.
This year feels like a year of change. The decision that I am going to make now, might define the career that I am going to take for the rest of my life. I can choose to graduate, get an office job with a stable career or I could choose to be a struggling artiste. I have prayed so many times in the last 5 years of my dance life for God to give me a sign if I should pursue my dream to become a professional dancer. Everything now boils right down to the decision that I am going to make in the next 2 months. Yes? No?
Dance saved my life when I tried to commit suicide twice, gave me self-esteem and so much happiness and I look back at everything now to the 17 year old me who on most days cannot leave his bed because he was so paralyzed by depression and despair to where I am now, dance is a gift and a miracle that has changed my life forever. My relationships with men might be disasters but what I have with my dance is 5 year strong and today I still am utterly in love with it.
God I am going to take a leap of faith and make my dream come true, as you have given me the biggest sign that I need to make this decision. I will cast all my fears and doubts away because You will be there every step of the way, and I am going to do my best to make my parents and You proud.
Not many people can get an opportunity like that in life, and I am so immensely grateful, and thankful.
There has been a lot going on since the last time I wrote in here and I don’t really know where to start.
Breaking up with Clarence was very painful. He was what I wanted- an innocence and optimism but more importantly when I was with him I believed in things that I no longer believed in, and to have everything turn on you like that it was more than just a broken heart that he took away with. Looking back at it all now, perhaps I needed to kill my cynicism and he walked into my life as a seemingly perfect opportunity. I loved him but perhaps what I really love more than him was the chance to fix myself.
Secondly, I have gone back to Church. A friend invited me for Christmas service and for some reason the sermons made me tear uncontrollably. I am still finding my ground in Christianity but as of now, to have something to hold on to for support is enough, and church is that for me.
Thirdly- I made a great milestone by doing my first contemporary dance concert after almost 5 years of my dance life. I made friends with a different world of dancers and contemporary dancers are so nice that it slightly shocked me because it is all genuine. I am used to street dancers and their ways that in the process I got used to it and didn’t even realise I had cynicism sealed all around me like cling wrap. It kind of make you want to be a better person and change.
I feel like I am on a journey but I don’t know its destination, but as of now life is enough, and I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me.
I genuinely believe that everyone should be allowed to have a tree house and a tree to themselves when people and life become overwhelming.
I have 3 people in my life that I tell different kinds of intimate thoughts to based on each person. I am lucky to have them, and I know they will be the people that are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Its a gift and even if I am ungrateful at times I will always love them.
The thing is, even when you have your people, the people who will do anything for you sometimes it is still difficult to share everything and every faucet of your life with them. There will always be a part of me that I don’t think I will ever reveal to anyone and I believe this is the same for everyone else. In short, its not enough. Feelings stay and even though time will fade the worries and pain away, it is in this moment that I need to share it with another person to feel less weary. I don’t want to explain myself because that is tiring and I don’t want to feel judged because that will bring up my insecurities.
It is in times like these when I have to believe in a greater force out there to be my tree house for awhile.I have been praying a lot these few days. Its the only thing that’s been getting the shit out of my system so I can sleep with a clearer mind at night. I still don’t know how I feel about the whole religion thing and to be honest I think there will always be a part of me inside that will believe in Christianity with all my experiences as a child at church despite all my current skepticism.
That I can only hope with maturity that I may come to a decision in the future. As of now, sharing my inner demons to an unknown entity is really as good as it is going to get and if it works then why not right.
Yes I do realise I may as well talk to my table lamp if all I need is just a non-human thing to talk to. The divine factor just works better with me. Also, I’m not psycho.
” Love is hard, and when you are in a relationship and love dance as well, then even more jialat. Twice the pain.” – Ben (Psyk) Koh, Oschool Recital 2011.
Someone once said to me that nobody really know how love feels like. This year I found Clarence, someone who isn’t necessarily romantic or sweet. However, he is patient and kind and more importantly takes all my shit and forgives me when he really shouldn’t. Somehow even though he lacked the romeo pre-requisite I forgot to guard my heart well and fell in love…or whatever it is you name this thing I’m going through.
Today is out first anniversary, and also the last day of recital. The latter meant the end of a very trying 3month journey of pushing endlessly and working hard. I was insecure, afraid and sometimes demoralised in the process of pushing towards a place I am not sure I can achieve. The process of blindlessly having faith is really not easy, but last night’s show, nailing that triple pirouette in front of a full house with him watching made every sweat worthwhile. I was alive, I was happy and I felt love from his hug after not seeing him for 3 weeks, and the love for dance and that; that very short fleeting feeling of being loved by the 2 things that makes life worthwhile is nothing the world can offer that I would trade away for.
For me, I think being in love means working through the pain, having a damn lot of blind of trust and never giving up even when you feel like it. Its been almost half a decade of dancing for me and looking back at all the sweat, injuries, pain, tears of frustration and countless hours of training, I must either be masochistic to continue dancing today, or I must love it.
Clarence is going through BMT now and missing him has been hell. I have done a lot of crazy things as a result and he should never have forgave me for them, but he has. What this means for us in the next 6 weeks would be a lot of waiting, and very little time together. He is worth the wait, its just the pain of missing him I have to work through.
I am thankful for having the support of dance to always be there for me when no one else is. Its a good feeling to have another love to hang on for support when the one is not around.